I Choose...

There comes a time in one's life I do believe, that things slow down enough to reflect, to consider where you've been, who you've been, and where you want to be- both on a physical and emotional level. 9 days rambling in another country will do that a bit for you as well. ;)

Introspection is key to progression and while sometimes it can be difficult to be really honest on these levels with oneself, I do think it is important to come to terms with what we are truly living for in our lifetime. Is it the pursuit of money, power, fame... is it to give to others what we have been given... is it to love our family and friends and do the best we can in that pursuit.... is it to give back to those who are without, or are in need? We all have a purpose. A given life of opportunity to create an impact in the world- be it through our children, our personal work, or some other mission we feel compelled to complete. And there within those moments of reflection, it's easy to see where we have went awry and to be blinded or even discouraged by our mistakes which have led us upon a path to our present.

However, in these moments, I do believe it is equally important to learn to let go as well. There are some situations which have passed in my own life which I am not happy, nor proud that occurred, but I took them as they came and did the best I knew how in the midst of the turmoil. During my own heartache and disconnect from the world for a time, I know I hurt people along the way and I think that has been the hardest thing to deal with... even though forgiveness has been shown... the disappointment of letting the people down who were there for you for forever is tough. I have to say, forgiveness is refreshing though and love is a powerful thing, and I am truly blessed for those who are in my life today- new and old- who have helped me overcome, gave me reality checks when I needed them and have loved me even when I have been a complete ass. Hey, it happens... I am so far from perfect, :) but I am grateful. I suppose we all have our moments of 'bumping our heads' and losing perspective at times. It is only human to err. I know I am def a work in progress on that note. ;)

Today, there are some words which sit close to my heart and I wanted to share these thoughts and some words of someone's work I truly admire- Max Lucado. I think the sentiment ties in for most people in life, and not only about the love and forgiveness we show others, but remembering that once you've walked that road, to shed a little upon yourself as well. Life can be hell at times, or at least feel that way, and you just never know who is in the midst of it at any given moment.

Remember: life is short- so love often, freely and immensely, and forgive quickly... no one said it's easy, just what we should try to do each day. ... and thank goodness for all that! :)



I choose peace... I will live forgiven and treat others accordingly. I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose love. No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose to love even those that feel at times unlovable, or that choose to hurt me... even though it is quite the challenge.

I choose kindness... I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose goodness... I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice to someone may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer to help me cope. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself to become better.

I choose joy... I will refuse the temptation to be cynical... the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God's push for me to become more.

I choose patience... I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complaining that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to reflect. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose faithfulness... I will be committed to my word and in my deed, to whomever and whenever.

I choose self-control... I will live the best life I can, in the measures which I know will provide for such a life and not abuse the gift of life I have been given.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much; who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether an improved flower, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction.

~Bessie Anderson Stanley, 1904

From the Highest City in the World...

I bring you the chronicles of dysentery in Cuzco, Peru! LOL I am actually not kidding, but I'll spare you the details other than to say at about 2am this morning I thought THE ALIEN was going to pop out of my stomach at any moment. I think one of the worst feelings is not being at home and being terribly sick- there is no one to call, no one to comfort you, and besides freaking out! lol there is a lang barrrier in describing what's wrong w/ you. Scary stuff. I am on a couple different medicines now for the next 6 days, and the doc says I am going to be fine taking the meds, but plan on being weak and in pain. Greeeeeeeeeeat way to end a trip, eh??? LOL ;p Oh well....

Machu Picchu was amazing... the feeling of being somewhere so completely ancient and still so intact! I climbed Machu Picchu Mountain, which took me a total of 3 hours!! I was seriously ready to turn back around, after the 40th flight of stone steps. lol At some points, they are so steep and uneven you are literally grabbing at the various rocks to make it up. The Incas were amazing specimens that's for sure!! What incredible strength they had to possess to place all the stones in such a manner up the face of a mountain and we're not talking pebbles here either! Going up, the cloud cover was still pretty thick, pretty crazy to think I finally' literally' had my head in the clouds! lol As was such, you couldn't see too much early in the morning since we had storms the night before, but by about 7am the clouds began to clear and when I descended the mountain, there came into view the full citadel of the Incas. Breath taking and it was there I did a little twirl on that landing (and one for you too Rhe), ate a protein bar and chilled listening to music reflecting. It was crazy peaceful... I didn't encounter anyone on my way up and just a couple of guys on my way down. Simply majestic the views from atop!

Once I made it down, I met a few ladies from England that were looking for the Sun Gate, which is at the end of the Inca Trail and so the three of us journeyed to that spot w/i the city. Needless to say, after 5 hours of trekking up and down friggin rocks, I was spent!! hehe I went to the Citadel to explore and take pics and then back to the bus to Aguas Calientes. Which is where I must have accquired my lil bug I am dealing w/ now. :( After having lunch at Chez Maggy, I boarded the never ending train to Poroy, in which I was in the last train car and I am telling you now- IF I ever ride a train again, it will NEVER be in the back car! lol- it shook me all night long shall we say? lol Back and forth, back and forth... I got off that train w/ a headache that would rival any hangover known to man! uuuuuggggggh. hahaha From Poroy, I got a taxi which took me back into Cuzco.

Now, considering that I have been sick all day!!!! I haven't been able to take any pics of Cuzco to upload tonight, but I am going to try to make it at least into the Plaza de Armas to get some before I leave on my 12:10 flight tomorrow. I feel like I have to push through and try to end this trip on a high note, no matter how miserable I feel. I am just sad I didn't get to tour the museums I wanted to see and the church in the Plaza. :( However, I am grateful for my many moments in meeting new people, seeing breathtaking views and soaking in a culture that, while similar, is still very different... not bad or wrong, just different than my own. I think that is why I love to travel so much. I feel like it opens our eyes to so much, helps us to understand more so who we are at our core, and makes us value that which we hold dear to our hearts and in turn, offering enlightenment to areas we need to improve upon in our own world.

It has been a very different experience than what I had anticipated- not bad at all, just very different than what I thought South America was really like. It is very much still a developing country, by the standards of norms we take for granted in the US. Hot water and electricity that doesn't go in and out, being able to flush toilet paper in a toilet and not worry about it backing up, having washer and dryers readily available in hotels and not having to 'pay' to have someone else do your laundry, heat that works well in a room, etc. The country of Peru is a beautiful place w/ many ecosystems all scattered amongst its landscape, and the beauty of the people and its landscape far outweigh the poverty that can also been seen in the spectrum. I spared not one side, nor the other in my photos... you'll see the beautiful and at times, the ugly, but overall, the spirit of the people is what I will take w/ me in my heart. Never have I met a more hospitable people, or those who are willing to overlook your own shortcomings to help you along your journey. The smiles of the children of Peru will forever make me smile, and the kindness I have been shown along the way by the people I have encountered will forever warm my heart. Peru, even w/ all it's differences holds one very strong commonality, love.

Aguas Calientes isn´t so hot afterall...

As yet again- no internet. lol It´s not that I have to have it, but when you´re suppose to be doing a research paper.. ummm... due next Monday and cannot access your blackboard. yah, it´s a problem! lol I left Olly this afternoon around, well noon... and the train ride was incredible. I wanted to lull off to sleep w- the the rythym (i so know that isn´t spelled right but I couldn´t find spell ck w- the S. American internet portal i am on! lol), but the scenery was so breath taking! Boulders, larger than anything I have ever seen in my life sit within a river the color of jade, while mountains jut up so far that it makes your neck to look that far up! Possibly why they have windows at the top of the train??? hahaha I arrived to find that my transport was not present, as he may arrived any time w- a half hour or so, Latin culture is verrrrrrrrrrry different w- time... the pace is slow. Which is perfectly OK by me IF I am not lugging a backpack and a bolso filled w- goodies for friends and fam. Yah, I looked like a bag lady... a hot sweaty, albeit fairly still cute (if I may say so, as I wasn´t all dirty and such like some bag ladies can be, eh? ... just overloaded), bag lady! hahahaha

So, determined to get where I was going I started up the street from the station, asking locals as I went and surprise! ... of course!.... no one knew where my hostel was. Finally, I popped into a travel agencia and asked... he said he thought it was across the bridge, up the hill and over to the left... mind you this is in all in Spanish, so he may have told me the exact location, but what I got is what I just gave you!!! hahahaha So off I went, my legs burning and my chest feeling as if it might explode, and as of this writing, it still feels pretty tight. While I have not had altitude sickness, as I took certain measures I read about as I have gone along, the air does make it difficult to breathe.

Sometimes, like yesterday, when I climbed ruins in Olly at the top of the mountain, I had to stop multiple times to catch my breathe. I am in awww of older people doing this trip, as it is enough to make you want to go home and sleep for sure. Speaking of sleeping! lol I´ve napped more than I ever have in my life-- you can just call me Albert Einstein (he was known for his sporadic sleep patterns) this week!! LOL Crazy... I´ll lay down after trekking a bit and then get up in a couple hours have a bite to eat, shop, rest and read... check for the internet that never works!! lol and then go have some cafe con leche (OMG THE BEST coffee ever is here!!! nothing will ever compare again... boooohooooo!) and sit and take in the beauty of the people and the surroundings, and then go back to sleep! lol

Anyway... back to the Agua that aint so hot tonight.... the biggest, baddest, darkest, scariest storm I´ve ever seen swept across the mountains tonight, just after I had checked into my hostal ... which btw, has no back to it from the 2nd floor up... yes, completely open, no wall on entire backside of the building. It´s cool...until the storm came! lol You could see the dark looming between the mountains in the distance and the dark streams that one recognizes as rain in the distance. As it came forward, the mountains disappeared in the darkness of the storm, thunder rumbled above me as if God himself was on the roof bowling and lightening sparked like flash photography. It was nuts. All seemed well, until I looked to my left side of my room and water was coming in from somewhere???? lol IDK. Still don´t I just sopped it up w- a towel in my room and figured it was part of my ´backpacking´experience hahahha So needless to say, no hot springs meh.

I did get to see a futbol game tonight inside a lil arena in town and had some great Lomo Saltado ... yummmmy... w- a good cerveza. Did a lil perusing of the town, until I felt as if my lungs might collapse!! ahhahaha and then stumbled across this internet shop... not even a cafe. Think a room the size of bathroom w- a few terminals. HA! After I shut down here, it´s off to bed for me, as I leave to M.P. tomorrow at 5-30am, then back into Aguas to the train station to Poroy, to Cuzco where I´ll be until Saturday. I am thinking as sore as I am now... don´t laugh... you´d be surprise how steep every friggin street and road is in this place!!! ahahha ... I am getting a massage after I get back tomorrow before hopping the train for sure! Hmmm.... Andean massage? don´t know what that means... or a Swedish massage.... choices choices choices! ahahahha I am going to need something for sure!

I miss everyone at this point in my trip terribly. I think it´s being cut off from my phone-- I never realized I am a telephone junkie, but I guess I need my amigos terribly! Anyway, that´s all... gotta get to some homework before this joijnt shuts down.

Chao bbs!!!

Greetings from Ollantaytambo!!!

Thanks for all the sweet words, it was nice to read this morning. I journeyed from Lima yesterday... and it was a bit tough. My Spanish is decent, but in conversation, lacks a bit. I made it, but I had a few "heartattack" moments shall we say? LOL No worries, nothing of the safety sort, just craziness that always seems to happen in my life! hahaha

Well, Lima was simply amazing - the buildings are all so beautiful, the craftmanship and the Spanish style homes and buildings. It was great seeing the city and my friend, Orlando was such a gracious host. I seen so much of the city in one day, my head was spinning. Looks like I won´t be able to upload until maybe tomorrow, or Friday pics however, as internet has been pretty sporadic. Though amazingly I do have cell service here, but it costs me like $2.50 a min!!! So those calls have been reserved for my mom and dad.... Sorry Rhe! ;) I am in a lil internet cafe right now to check mail and obviously jot down some stuff before going to explore some ruins just out of the city.

I am in a town called Ollantaytambo, and it is considered a living city. The town still has all of it´s old world charm, small cobblestone streets and small building... all overshadowed by the beauty of the Andes. As I came in on the bus yesterday- which btw- my taxi driver put me on a locals only bus and part of my heartattack moment yesterday!! - to see countryside and then the mountains come into full view with their snow caps was not only breathtaking, it was moving. Seriously, it brought me to tears thinking of my grandfather and how he would have loved to known that I made it to my destination. I cannot explain how humbling it is to be before these grand features of this country... it truly makes you appreciate life and our Creator.

I have a new found appreciation for the difference b-w my culture and the Latin culture when it comes to personal space!!! I rode on the bus yesterday w- small children and farmers and women in traditional Peruvian dress and w- most of them right on top of me. lol Literally the bus packs in so tight, you feel and smell hehe everyone... the music blasts, the windows are open and the crowd on the bus ebbs and flows together and the crazy driver curves around corners so quickly you think you might just topple the rest of the way over. The children were the most fun to watch... as the bus would approach a stop in the country, the school children would come flying toward the bus laughing and smiling. I think some of my fondest memories of this beautiful country have come from observing people and especially the children... they are so happy and have this wide eye wonder look to them. Its beautiful.

So once I finally figured out that my last stop would not be in Ollantaytambo, but in Urambamba... the heartattack came a bit. I thought to myself, what I have gotten myself into!?? lol Then in all the confusion of realizing I was on a bus w- all locals and hardly anyone spoke Spanish... there is another lang. spoken here, primarily of rural areas... I couldn´t find my change purse w- my money!!! I almost started to cry, and as the bus unloaded I was the last one saying, no, no, no, no, no, no...!! The driver looked to his friend, ¿Ella loca?? I just kept saying necessito un momento, un momento! ahahahhaha I did find my money, I stashed it in another pocket of my back'pack, but waooooooooo! ahahha So I made a mental note to always put it in the same spot going forward!! ahahhah I found a combi (shared taxi) and myself and a young guy from Spain shared it on the way up to Olly.

I checked into my hostal and to my surprise the owner gave me an amazing room that sits up top of the B n B... the views, are amazing and I have a panoramic window. Needless to say, I star gazed while drifting off to sleep. :) The food is so incredibly good here and so friggin cheap, it´s nuts. I met a few people last night, two girls from Greece who had just come up from the Amazon by way of Ecuador and two guys, one from the US and the other from Toronto, they are doing the Inca Trail. We went to a small spot in town and hung out, sharing our journeys and digging the lil spot the two cousins had found before stopping into my hostal for dinner. So much fun- they had a wooden firemans pole that we all kept going down! ahhaha One of the girls tried to go upside down... lol... yah, we´re def having fun!! You´ll see all the pics soon.... it´s hard to describe, but it was like landing in someone´s really cool attic w- tons of stuff to look at and mess w-!! hahaha

Anyway, this is practically a book... is anyone still there??? ahahahahha love you guys and I´ll catch up w- you again soon! I leave tomorrow by train to Aguas Calientes.. a town at the base of Machu Picchu and known for their hot springs! :) Cannot wait to soak my body!! :) Then I´ll take another bus to Machu Picchu at 5:30 am to see the sunrise. Think of me when you wake... I´ll be sending good vibes your way. :) Till next time!

BESOS!
Shalen

CMH-MIA-LIM.... Barranco is where I be! ;)

Greetings everyone!!!! :))

I'll just start w/ saying if the beginning of this trip is any indication to the rest of my journey, it's going to be one heck of a ride!!! LOL I almost missed my flight from Columbus to Miami... thank GOD for those lil guys in luggage carts!!! I SO owe him... we were flying through the terminal and yes, obviously I made it! hahaha Nothing like an adrenaline rush in the morning... I think I thrive on stress?! ugh. Then in Miami, we had to sit on the runway for 3 hours.... and after massive texting love ones and friends.. my phone died. :( So no conversation w/ my closest, but I was so blessed to have Senora Vega next to me... the chattiest, most lovely creature I have ever met and while no kin to my dear friend Percy, I had to laugh how it feels God has touched this trip in so many ways... but more on that later. :) Then on to my immigration experience where a man from Columbia straight heckled the officer 'checking' us all in for 20 minutes b/c he was SO slow. Seriously, it did take forever, but the man was met w/ giggles, dirty looks and then a woman shouting at him, 'seeeeeeenor!!! por favor! silcencio!' ahhahaha The immigration officer just smirked at the guy and all went quiet again, but not before he had caused quite the clamor amongst my fellow weary travelers. ahahaha

For now, I am jotting whatever I can as quickly as possible as I need to gather my things from my current 'dormitory' style room and go to my personal bedroom in the B n B I am at. Yes, I arrived last night at 2am- Lima time (which btw is only 1hr difference from the States)- only to discover that my bed had been given away as my plane was very late indeed! ahahahha :( What can you do?? I am just rolling w/ it at this point on all fronts... slowly but surely, I have made it where I need to go and all I can say, life is just different here, as one prolly would imagine anyway, eh? :) First and foremost- LOVE LOVE LOVE the submersion experience of stepping into another world and it being so different from everything you know... not just a language, which is fun in of itself... as it really tests the brain and my Spanish (esp since my friend doesn't speak a whole lot of English- so we both work our broken verbal skills equally!! ahhaha) but the people, the culture. So warm, open, inviting and FUN! Strangers smile more than anywhere I've ever known... then again, maybe it's the fact that I am a gringa?? LOL Es possible. ;) Bars and restaraunts stay open waaaaaaaaaaaaaay late- 6am to be exact! I was in a bar at 4:30 am kids and walking down the road w/ a beer in hand to-boot! lol No worries... as this leg of my journey I am with my friend Orlando, so I am safe, and it will be my only moment of partying this week, but it WAS fun!

Lima, and more specifically where I was last night, Barranco is like NYC. Very busy, very loud, very crazy and people evvvvvvvvvvvvvvverywhere!!!! Streets flood w/ people- guys and girls curled up in an embrace; guys shouting at one another; girls pointing out this guy and that guy (and ladies!!! omg. they have every reason to--- ps. I may not come back!! ahahaha) ... and laughter fills the road- well that and about 20 cars packed into a "road" that looks like an alley!! lol BTW- there are NO ROAD RULES here, sure they prolly have 'laws' just like us, but they certainly are not very strict about how they are regulated. Ever seen that video from India where all the cars go and go and go and go and they look as if they will smash into each other by inches????? YUP> that's here too! aahahhaha They do have traffic signals, but when they are flashing- you don't stop- you GOOOOO! Cars switch lanes, mid lane and w/ no signal, just the constant sounding of their horns... beep, beep, beep..... switch!!! LOL Literally, cars drive so close to one another in the centro that you could reach out your window and tap the next car! seriously. lol Crazy how all I could was laugh when I probably should have been gasping for my life! It's just that crazy. :))

Anyway, just some moments I have experienced thus far in the beginning of my journey... I am off to explore Barranco- which is a Bohemian district in Lima- very old, very cool!!! Pics to come. and then Lima, where my friend guarantees me the view of Lima that is amazing! Cannot wait! :)

Awakening...

The sun shines upon me... feeling lifted, twisted;
Hair tousled, spirit soaring, quite giddy;
Floating off into a world of imagination....
Fueling the drive to progress forward,
Keeping one sane in the mid-point of contemplation;
Offering light and opening doors, if for only brief moments of bliss;
It allows opportunities unseen to be...
Setting the mind free.
The feeling of what it all would be like
If it came together as it could...
As it should, solely within the realm of imagination;
Anything is possible within the dream scape,
Anything dreamth can be...
When you're awakening!

To Live or Exist...

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."

~Jack London

In the Journey...

In the midst of life being turned upside down
I know it makes you want to run
I know it makes you want to hide
When the darkness comes to settle in the night

But baby, hear me when I say-
ONLY the strongest survive
It's not so much what happens
But what you do with it in the mend...

Will this be your beginning or your end?

In the restoration of the perforation in your soul,
Don't let the ebb and flow of life take its toll...
You have to dig in deep, to see your Divinity
What gifts have been bestowed from Grace,
It is what flows in, when it all flows out.

Nothing in this life remains constant- even pain- don't doubt.

Life is no fantasy of being,
It is only of doing
What needs to be done to win
To LIVE the life you're given and
Struggle to get where you're going throughout.

The journey will not always be smooth,
Your eyes will not always remain dry,
But in the process you will ultimately find
Time heals and always prevails.

For in life, as you know, there are wins and losses
Yet it's not so much about how far you are at any one given point,
But how far you've come to get to where you are going.

Don't stop now, don't give up hope...
It's later than you think and you're farther than you could imagine.

Confliction...

I wish to wrap up everything I hold dear in my life, packing it neatly and to take all of it upon a journey....

To the ends of the unknown, to experience moments of bliss of just being. Soaking in the relative and relishing that which is foreign. To lay upon a beach, in the bliss of the sun and to hear voices which do not sound like mine, but I long to understand. To linger by the wayside, cycling upon the hills of far away, breathing in the silence of eternity which stretches before me. Languishing at a cafe, sipping espresso, merely listening to the buzz of humanity in the motion of life. The fluidity of the merengue and a body pressed to mine, lead only by the rhythmical pulse upon a dance floor. To hike upon terrain that holds secrets of long ago, revealing only the retort of bliss from being alive to touch what once was. Perusing through moments in time, placed upon a canvas with great care and passion, which is timeless to the human spirit. To sit upon a bench and watch the water flow beneath bridges of old world architecture; only to ponder within those moments how time has flowed through my own life. To float upon a river, beneath a canopy of green and revere nature in all its glory.

My heart longs to feel and experience what my present cannot offer, but the reality of being able to take what I desire with me is nothing more than that... a simplistic desire. As I consider embarking, I cannot take with me what I want... it will not follow. Life departs in a constant state of many fractions of light. My journey is not one which can be found anywhere but in those places and where my heart longs to be is in many directions. Tugging gently for me to live what I dream to experience.... waiting. Holding onto what I reserve as exquisitely unique; slowly slipping away within my lifetime. I cannot have both; time to let go... a choice to live the life I long to experience which will take me upon a journey that has no clear path. Albeit, no worse than to hold onto the choice to love a life I long to experience which has taken me thus far upon a journey with no clear path.

Time is the only true answer of where to land... it is only within the space encapsulated, which we call life, does God reveal what our choices lead us toward in time.

... my confliction between heart and mind.

Inevitable...

As I drove yesterday to my Grandmother's house to visit, it amazed me how much the new season is in full bloom; trees budding, flowers blossoming in full brilliant color, the grass even seems greener after a few cold, but much needed weeks of on and off again, rain and even snow (ugh!). Even though I know better, it seems as if all of these changes were so sudden and sprung up in a moment's passing. I guess when I see another season unfolding and the changes coming forth, my thoughts always lean towards my life, the progression of it and how much we are just like the beauty of the earth which we take in all year long.

It certainly is the very essence of life to change, to be changed... to continue to evolve into something more beautiful than the 'season' before. We all go through our periods of cold and gray, moments of hibernation when the world feels to be too much, then blossoming forward with new insight on life, and ready to vibrantly take on the world. Yet, with any change in life- it is a slow progression which usually is only noticed subtly until it is in full bloom. It seems as I grow personally, I am coming to terms with the pace of time and the progression of such moments. Even if we wish it would, nothing can ever stay exactly the same- without the risk of complacency, or worst yet, stagnation and death of spirit.

It is within these moments, as life evolves around us, our hearts are captured and even emotions as flighty as love are seen; bringing clarity to the truth that nothing ever stays the same. For whenever these moments come, we are given opportunity to take heed of their lessons, allowing them to envelop the soul and take the breath away; for as quickly as they come, they are gone. Emotions as strong as love, like life, are not to be mourned or put into a box for safe keeping. It just doesn't work that way. It should be about embracing every second of those moments, and simply cherishing the presence of their blissful memories forever more. After all, life can never be reversed, but it can be replayed in whatever measure that soothes the soul until the next season approaches.

Within that reflection of time and life, and the love which graces our lives, the key players will continue to change. Each person and every moment which touches our being contributes to the whole the experience of a life lived to the fullest and just like the seasons, it will fade and change. Yet, what we 'feel' we have lost will always return again, and usually in a different form, but in full bloom and more wonderful and beautiful than the season before... you just have to be willing wait for it.

Victory Forever is Mine...

Even in the midst of moments which reflected the defunct parts of my persona;
Deep within still held a irrefutable scent of victory upon the horizon.

When my eyes had nothing but desperate tears of loss;
There still reflecting back, was the indefatigably look of everlasting victory.

During the moments whence my lips uttered treacherous words;
Spinning amongst them still was an enchantment of hope... of victory.

Between moments of passing through dark shadows which cast its death;
Still within even these moments, the light of majestic victory caressed my skin.

When my only course was of that which I ran through in a hurry;
The perpetual euphoric nature of victory brought me back to where I needed to be.

Those twisted moments which wound me into a journey that unflinchingly would not let go;
Gave over to the glorious and regal overpowering victory.

Within the webs of time found within my mind and the quiet, meek voices of conscience
whispering to me those truths that I thought to be lost;
There within those moments, still could be found the power of victory.

Victory was forever mine;
In the dark;
In the quiet;
In the noise;
In the light.

Victory never left my side;
Even within the moments of my own iniquity;
Ebbing and flowing through this life.

It is Grace which is deserveth not;
Yet bestowed.

Honesty of the Heart...

I wonder why it is at times that some become so closed to the world? Do we become so battered and torn within our hearts that we can no longer open ourselves up to the potential pain of exposing what we hold dear- our emotions? Longing to find what we all seek, wanting what eludes most and finds some... yet avoiding what could bring bliss- seeking only safety. Simply the mystery of loving another. Time brings forth change, it ebbs and flows like the tides and to capture it would be like asking the tide to stop. It is not something to be held, it is merely something to be admired. For it seems when we strive to embrace what is not truly ours, it is gone as quickly as it came.

Yet I will always wonder, in the game we all play and fail at some point in our lives, do we ever come to a point where we fully recognize what we need, or is it always a conquest of hedonistic, selfish desire? I mean, at some point, a compromise has to be made, right? To compromise or to not.... to roam this earth in search of that "one" person who connects to our soul like no other. I used to think there was that 'one' person and I am finding as I move through my own time on this earth that a variety of people have offered many opportunities to experience different moments of vibrancy, clarity, intellect, passion, sexual tension, friendship, compassion, etc. So many facets to the human spirit and every person I have connected with has brought a unique experience and a recognition of my own inner spirit and how I long to feel.

I do think this life is a journey... a very confusing and winding journey. One of experience, which brings a plethora of moments that offer up new found knowledge about our deepest desires and needs. Only if we are open to these moments do these core revelations reveal themselves though, in my humble opinion. So what to do if you are a soul who fears taking that plunge into something you may never know, unless you release the fear to walk into the unknown? Will you miss out on the opportunity to experience that once in a lifetime moment to test the depths of your own energy and the desires which vibrate just under the surface? ... miss out on the opportunity for the point of rushing through your journey to satisfy some type of deadline of age, will... need to be done with the journey and reach your final destination? And for what? To say you've crossed the finish-line and begun your journey to the end?

Perhaps denying oneself is all we can do when the fear takes over, and the mind wrestles with the heart. Perhaps it is the safety of some; safety for their own heart. Possibly it is only after we come to terms with the true depths of our own souls, we can embrace the desires that lie beneath the surface and allow our heart to unlock whatever it wants to feel; without caution, without pride, without lying to ourselves that what we perceive could just not truly be real. Sadly, perhaps when we come to this point, the person whom we were suppose to have met in our journey to teach us a lesson about ourselves has continued on and then, only then... in the sadness of our hearts, we recognize what that person truly represented in that moment of time.

Ironic, eh?

Grace Found In "The Room"...

This came from a friend (thx Kat ). Just a simple and random email forwarded, but a sentiment so exact and profound, I wanted to place it here and share it's content.... beautiful really, whomever truly wrote it.

"The Room"

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read 'Girls I have liked.' I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life.

Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.A file named 'Friends' was next to one marked 'Friends I have betrayed.' The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird 'Books I Have Read,' 'Lies I Have Told,' 'Comfort I have Given,' 'Jokes I Have Laughed at.' Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: 'Things I've yelled at my brothers.'

Others I couldn't laugh at: 'Things I Have Done in My Anger', 'Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.' I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked 'TV Shows I have watched', I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked 'Lustful Thoughts,' I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!' In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.

Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it.. The title bore 'People I Have Shared the Gospel With.' The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.

He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. 'No!' I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was 'No, no,' as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, 'It is finished.' I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

'For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.'-John 3:16.

'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. '-Phil. 4:13.

In My Own Time...

There is no greater clarity than to realize your own limitations, No greater clarity than to have life take the toll that it does upon your own; Loss- of what you hold dear, what you felt would always be near. It's tragic to look back upon moments lost and to see empty voids of space which should have been filled with more important things than the trivial. To look upon goals and plans and see them crumble and dissipate before your very eyes. To think that life is locked into some form of certainty is foolish and here I am. In the midst of best laid plans, as they say. Humbling, really. Not that all which has begun is laid to rest, but just another beginning of sorts. To start again, to envision where it is you're destined to land. It's when you hit that wall... when everything you thought was all sorted out becomes a mess, there is no other way than to LIVE again, than to climb back up that wall and make it happen!

Losing my grandfather and my uncle within 3 months of each other, being told that I may face my own pink slip within 6 months... maddening and heart wrenching. I have not felt the desperation of wanting to fade away in a very, very, very long time; but there it was- starting at the end of September, and spiraling it's way down over the next few months- my life and my dreams fading quickly away from me. So at the bottom of my wall, thinking about my lost hero (my grandfather) and wondering what he would think if I gave up on all I wanted- I've started to climb... again.

I am not sure where it's taking me, but I think what I started is what I should finish. I am still in school... a little over a year now solid and considering what is next. I still have my Praxis materials staring at me every day on my shelf as I leave for work; the agency in Peru is holding my spot for classes; and my GM at the hotel has offered to write a letter of recommendation. What am I waiting for??? I think of all the emotional turmoil and how I stayed to be near my family... my grandparents, my father, my nieces, etc. Yet, even after all I have lost, nothing much has changed from the day I made my original decision. Their life marches on, just as mine and being here did nothing to change any final outcome- other than my own.

Maybe those walls... those moments that give us pause, the obstacles, which I am finding will always come... maybe those are solely to see how bad you really want something? Maybe those challenges are just to make you even more determined and to have the audacity and strength to move forward. Maybe those walls, that we each face, our own personal tests of character- and if it's not there, it will be by the time your done- are just what we need to boost us to a level of personal success (whatever that may be for each of us).

Maybe the definition of what I thought would bring me happiness once upon a time as a young girl is no longer what my heart longs for as a woman? Perhaps it is time to redefine what that is and allow it to happen; not attaching guilt to wanting to live my own life and seeing my own dreams through.... while time is on my side. Letting go and letting God... yes, perhaps it's time that I show how strong my faith is in what I believe to be my next steps and quit doubting if I can make it. For everything I have endured, every heartache, every trial, every moment that I thought there could be no light in my darkness has made me who I am, and better for it all. For I have realized with certainty that there is no certainty in this life I live, and perhaps I better get moving!

P.V.

Though I long to know the answers which are never meant to be,
I have to let go... I am striving to set your memory free.
Yet my heart aches and I not sure I will ever fully shake you,
It took a while for you to envelop my soul,
And it will be even longer for me to let go.
You know not to the extent in which I love you-
I would travel to the ends of the earth to be near your side,
A life-long friendship, always in your corner, always there to make you smile... but I understand, I am not your choice.
You cannot choose love in that manner- make it stay nor make it go,
It is a matter of time, of a puzzle which is developed slow.
No I won't tell you all these things because I know they are not reciprocated, I'd rather save face and let you be free...
After all, it's not my heart you long for, no sadly, it's just not me.


I know I told you I was moving on... that I am okay with it all, though I am not. There is just something about the connection that happens when I am near you, when I speak with you and I cannot help how I feel--You're just one of those people who come along every so often, who change the way one views the world and for that I will always love you, my amazing friend! Forever in my heart, there you'll reside, tucked neatly next to all our good times!

Be blessed and may you have all you seek!

The Journey...

I am starting to truly embrace this so called life of mine in the fact that every heartbreak, every set back, every moment that feels fleeting; I understand even more so now that it defines me. It is not the end of what will be, but the beginning of what is to come. Everyday I grow, and everyday I come closer to the purpose which has been set forth in my life; set long before my acknowledgement of such. I know there is some grand point to these experiences which have rocked my foundation, caused me to take inventory and set back out again. I know that this is the journey which I have sought. I have for so long been running towards 'something' which I could not define; yet all I had to do was embrace every moment given to me and realize THIS IS IT. Granted, I can affect outcomes on the daily and the direction in which my 'adventure' will flow (positively and negatively, as I have found), but this life of mine has had some moments which a lot of people will never experience, and for all that I "think" I lack in life; I have that much more in which I have gained. Perception is reality as they say, and it has only been by constant adjustment and the experiences which I have enjoyed and languished over the past few years, that I have come to this realization. People tell me it's artistry which flows from my heart; I say it's just ramblings of a mere lost soul, finally finding her way.

The biggest piece of my journey, which forever has changed me, was losing my Grandfather last month, and having to put a dream on hold for the sake of a loved-one. It is one decision I have made recently that I don't hold regret; though it was one I wrestled with a great deal. I knew he wanted me to go, but I couldn't put from my mind when my uncle died just three months prior to my Grandfather, that time does not stop for anyone, and I would be crushed if I left and he passed away. It was within his last months that I shared moments with him which have comforted me in my sorrow. Having his embrace one last time, being told how much he loved me days before he left us... all these swirl in my mind and give me peace- to move forward, to do as he told me I should... to live!

Contemplating my loss of this amazing man, I have thought a lot about my dream of moving, of exploring the world and though I placed it on hold for him and my family, I am not sure that I will for much longer. I want to travel to Hawaii this year for my 32nd birthday and go abroad to Spain at the end of the year. My mom has mentioned she would like to go to Spain with me, and honestly I am okay with it, as I think it could be a great experience either way, but in the depth of my heart, I long to have Spain to myself. Not to be totally selfish, but I think it's about testing the waters for me of whether I could do it alone in another country (ie- Peru for my classes)... could I manage, navigate, speak the language, blend? Could I be strong enough to withstand the insecurity of being alone somewhere completely foreign to me... literally?! It almost is the ultimate test to me, I suppose. I guess I reason if I could go so far as Spain and make it alone, I could do it in almost anywhere else. We'll see....

All I know is I don't feel like I belong here much anymore. Not like I will 'find myself' somewhere else, as I feel that is not done by geographical location, but that I long to be in surroundings that soothe my soul and bring new experiences. 32 years is a long time to live in one spot... maybe not for some, but for me- it feels like being boxed in to only one solution to a problem and I have never welcomed that answer. I am not sure where any of it will lead me, I just know I have is incredible surge of 'something' which wells up in me from the depth of my soul, when I think of traveling, of seeing places I have yet to know about and discover them with all my senses. It is what I long to experience, and I keep trying to figure how to do so and still 'live'! haha I guess for now, I will continue in my journey of discovery- of myself, of others... of love, of life in its purest form. Hopefully with time I will find that purpose, which I know lies just near the horizon of my dreams; and perhaps during that expanse of time, moments will be revealed to me in the lessons I encounter through my decisions, and the destination within my journey will become all the more clear.

In Parts...

Tell me.. tell me, please.
How do you do it with such ease?
How do you let it roll on over and move about like the breeze
I want to know what you feel
I need to know what releases you to proceed.
Do you feel as I do, twisting and hanging amidst invisible trees?
Tangled.

The distraction that resides I wish would take up new residence
Elsewhere... anywhere, just not here.
I asked for it, I know... yet, I never thought it would all go
So suddenly
Here I stand waiting for the next moment
Racing ahead in my mind
Searching time for answers that will not be given
Aching.

I strive to make the wells dry
To shut the windows that once were open
Yet it is no use.... utterly futile
Rivers seem to flow at the smallest reminder
Back to the beginning, rolling through it all sloooowly.
Holding onto messages and mementos
Silliness of a young girl
Longing.

Before you, there was just me
Happily, drifting
Moving forward with dreams
Things to do and see
Now, after you
I am trying to remember me
Without you
I know I am there, yet everyday
I want to share with you
My moments of...
Whatever, simplicity of just being.
Missing.

Embracing Grace...

The depth of loss makes you realize truly how much you hold in the palm of your hand. It is easy to wrestle with the "shoulda-woulda-coulda's" of life, to get wrapped up in the moments which lend us so little time for the truly important things in life, but when that ill-fated moment stares you somberly in the face, there is nothing left but grace. The comfort of what has passed had to be enough, as ultimately the choices made are set in time forever. Right or wrong, there is no magic wand to roll back the hours of time, to find yourself in the embrace of your loved one, or to erase a mistake. We each must tuck away these moments of clarity and either grow from them, or be smothered by them. The difficulty of letting go is just that... letting go. It is releasing them, and yourself from the accountability of holding the heartache any longer than necessary. It is when you realize what has come to pass, that we acknowledge the blatant fact that we didn't do enough, care enough, or simply meet in the middle; it is time 'to let go' and forgive yourself and them. Yet, firmly within the experience and mottled by heartache is a real life lesson. One of time is so very short, as we are not guaranteed time or life on this earth. Our experiences are but brief flitting moments scattered amongst so many who touch our lives, and therefore embracing every moment, giving when we don't feel like it, going that extra mile for someone dear to us is ever so important, and forgiving ourselves and others for the shortcomings which come from imperfection... for tomorrow may be too late.

Our Grandparents...

The special gift of warming a heart with the mere touch of their hand;
Their compassion and generosity,
Their moments given freely,Their needs set aside,
To love and care for their family, whenever or wherever the time may arise.

The ability to convey the wisdom of years passed,
Imparting in their loved ones memories and values to last.
Their warm glow and gentle disposition,
Makes them ever so dear to all whom they know.

It is their love that is timeless and stands the test of years,
Through laughter, joy and tears,
And though we each venture in our own life trek,
They are always with us, ever so near.

We hold them in our hearts,
With pride and great esteem,
They are so much of what make each of us beam!
From silly riddles to stern lectures,
Tickles and giggles and lessons on life,
They shared each of our childhood dreams and encouraged us through our adult strife.

They held onto their mottos of life lessons learned,
To share and pass on to us what their own diversions yearned...
'Anything worth doing is worth doing right',
They gave us stories for insight and delight,
But so we would gain respect for what hard work earns,
And possibly provide for ourselves an even better life at each turn.

A solid family set firmly in faith of Jehovah God,
Still with its own piece of life's problems,
But a love and strong legacy woven within the foundation,
Because effort, honesty and caring for others were a few of the values instilled,
It is through their actions and effort, a wonderful family could be built.

We owe a lot to our Grand-Parents,
More than we ever could truly repay,
It was their love and dreams that began what we know of our lives today.

To our Grand-Parents...
Time may march on,
Dawn may set to dusk,
But your guidance and love is that in which we always trust.

In loving memory of Pa-Pa
(Dad & Grandfather alike)
February 5, 2009

You will always be my hero.

...

A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore-- And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann©1927 Bell & Son Publishing, LLC