In My Own Time...

There is no greater clarity than to realize your own limitations, No greater clarity than to have life take the toll that it does upon your own; Loss- of what you hold dear, what you felt would always be near. It's tragic to look back upon moments lost and to see empty voids of space which should have been filled with more important things than the trivial. To look upon goals and plans and see them crumble and dissipate before your very eyes. To think that life is locked into some form of certainty is foolish and here I am. In the midst of best laid plans, as they say. Humbling, really. Not that all which has begun is laid to rest, but just another beginning of sorts. To start again, to envision where it is you're destined to land. It's when you hit that wall... when everything you thought was all sorted out becomes a mess, there is no other way than to LIVE again, than to climb back up that wall and make it happen!

Losing my grandfather and my uncle within 3 months of each other, being told that I may face my own pink slip within 6 months... maddening and heart wrenching. I have not felt the desperation of wanting to fade away in a very, very, very long time; but there it was- starting at the end of September, and spiraling it's way down over the next few months- my life and my dreams fading quickly away from me. So at the bottom of my wall, thinking about my lost hero (my grandfather) and wondering what he would think if I gave up on all I wanted- I've started to climb... again.

I am not sure where it's taking me, but I think what I started is what I should finish. I am still in school... a little over a year now solid and considering what is next. I still have my Praxis materials staring at me every day on my shelf as I leave for work; the agency in Peru is holding my spot for classes; and my GM at the hotel has offered to write a letter of recommendation. What am I waiting for??? I think of all the emotional turmoil and how I stayed to be near my family... my grandparents, my father, my nieces, etc. Yet, even after all I have lost, nothing much has changed from the day I made my original decision. Their life marches on, just as mine and being here did nothing to change any final outcome- other than my own.

Maybe those walls... those moments that give us pause, the obstacles, which I am finding will always come... maybe those are solely to see how bad you really want something? Maybe those challenges are just to make you even more determined and to have the audacity and strength to move forward. Maybe those walls, that we each face, our own personal tests of character- and if it's not there, it will be by the time your done- are just what we need to boost us to a level of personal success (whatever that may be for each of us).

Maybe the definition of what I thought would bring me happiness once upon a time as a young girl is no longer what my heart longs for as a woman? Perhaps it is time to redefine what that is and allow it to happen; not attaching guilt to wanting to live my own life and seeing my own dreams through.... while time is on my side. Letting go and letting God... yes, perhaps it's time that I show how strong my faith is in what I believe to be my next steps and quit doubting if I can make it. For everything I have endured, every heartache, every trial, every moment that I thought there could be no light in my darkness has made me who I am, and better for it all. For I have realized with certainty that there is no certainty in this life I live, and perhaps I better get moving!