The Journey...

I am starting to truly embrace this so called life of mine in the fact that every heartbreak, every set back, every moment that feels fleeting; I understand even more so now that it defines me. It is not the end of what will be, but the beginning of what is to come. Everyday I grow, and everyday I come closer to the purpose which has been set forth in my life; set long before my acknowledgement of such. I know there is some grand point to these experiences which have rocked my foundation, caused me to take inventory and set back out again. I know that this is the journey which I have sought. I have for so long been running towards 'something' which I could not define; yet all I had to do was embrace every moment given to me and realize THIS IS IT. Granted, I can affect outcomes on the daily and the direction in which my 'adventure' will flow (positively and negatively, as I have found), but this life of mine has had some moments which a lot of people will never experience, and for all that I "think" I lack in life; I have that much more in which I have gained. Perception is reality as they say, and it has only been by constant adjustment and the experiences which I have enjoyed and languished over the past few years, that I have come to this realization. People tell me it's artistry which flows from my heart; I say it's just ramblings of a mere lost soul, finally finding her way.

The biggest piece of my journey, which forever has changed me, was losing my Grandfather last month, and having to put a dream on hold for the sake of a loved-one. It is one decision I have made recently that I don't hold regret; though it was one I wrestled with a great deal. I knew he wanted me to go, but I couldn't put from my mind when my uncle died just three months prior to my Grandfather, that time does not stop for anyone, and I would be crushed if I left and he passed away. It was within his last months that I shared moments with him which have comforted me in my sorrow. Having his embrace one last time, being told how much he loved me days before he left us... all these swirl in my mind and give me peace- to move forward, to do as he told me I should... to live!

Contemplating my loss of this amazing man, I have thought a lot about my dream of moving, of exploring the world and though I placed it on hold for him and my family, I am not sure that I will for much longer. I want to travel to Hawaii this year for my 32nd birthday and go abroad to Spain at the end of the year. My mom has mentioned she would like to go to Spain with me, and honestly I am okay with it, as I think it could be a great experience either way, but in the depth of my heart, I long to have Spain to myself. Not to be totally selfish, but I think it's about testing the waters for me of whether I could do it alone in another country (ie- Peru for my classes)... could I manage, navigate, speak the language, blend? Could I be strong enough to withstand the insecurity of being alone somewhere completely foreign to me... literally?! It almost is the ultimate test to me, I suppose. I guess I reason if I could go so far as Spain and make it alone, I could do it in almost anywhere else. We'll see....

All I know is I don't feel like I belong here much anymore. Not like I will 'find myself' somewhere else, as I feel that is not done by geographical location, but that I long to be in surroundings that soothe my soul and bring new experiences. 32 years is a long time to live in one spot... maybe not for some, but for me- it feels like being boxed in to only one solution to a problem and I have never welcomed that answer. I am not sure where any of it will lead me, I just know I have is incredible surge of 'something' which wells up in me from the depth of my soul, when I think of traveling, of seeing places I have yet to know about and discover them with all my senses. It is what I long to experience, and I keep trying to figure how to do so and still 'live'! haha I guess for now, I will continue in my journey of discovery- of myself, of others... of love, of life in its purest form. Hopefully with time I will find that purpose, which I know lies just near the horizon of my dreams; and perhaps during that expanse of time, moments will be revealed to me in the lessons I encounter through my decisions, and the destination within my journey will become all the more clear.