In My Own Time...

There is no greater clarity than to realize your own limitations, No greater clarity than to have life take the toll that it does upon your own; Loss- of what you hold dear, what you felt would always be near. It's tragic to look back upon moments lost and to see empty voids of space which should have been filled with more important things than the trivial. To look upon goals and plans and see them crumble and dissipate before your very eyes. To think that life is locked into some form of certainty is foolish and here I am. In the midst of best laid plans, as they say. Humbling, really. Not that all which has begun is laid to rest, but just another beginning of sorts. To start again, to envision where it is you're destined to land. It's when you hit that wall... when everything you thought was all sorted out becomes a mess, there is no other way than to LIVE again, than to climb back up that wall and make it happen!

Losing my grandfather and my uncle within 3 months of each other, being told that I may face my own pink slip within 6 months... maddening and heart wrenching. I have not felt the desperation of wanting to fade away in a very, very, very long time; but there it was- starting at the end of September, and spiraling it's way down over the next few months- my life and my dreams fading quickly away from me. So at the bottom of my wall, thinking about my lost hero (my grandfather) and wondering what he would think if I gave up on all I wanted- I've started to climb... again.

I am not sure where it's taking me, but I think what I started is what I should finish. I am still in school... a little over a year now solid and considering what is next. I still have my Praxis materials staring at me every day on my shelf as I leave for work; the agency in Peru is holding my spot for classes; and my GM at the hotel has offered to write a letter of recommendation. What am I waiting for??? I think of all the emotional turmoil and how I stayed to be near my family... my grandparents, my father, my nieces, etc. Yet, even after all I have lost, nothing much has changed from the day I made my original decision. Their life marches on, just as mine and being here did nothing to change any final outcome- other than my own.

Maybe those walls... those moments that give us pause, the obstacles, which I am finding will always come... maybe those are solely to see how bad you really want something? Maybe those challenges are just to make you even more determined and to have the audacity and strength to move forward. Maybe those walls, that we each face, our own personal tests of character- and if it's not there, it will be by the time your done- are just what we need to boost us to a level of personal success (whatever that may be for each of us).

Maybe the definition of what I thought would bring me happiness once upon a time as a young girl is no longer what my heart longs for as a woman? Perhaps it is time to redefine what that is and allow it to happen; not attaching guilt to wanting to live my own life and seeing my own dreams through.... while time is on my side. Letting go and letting God... yes, perhaps it's time that I show how strong my faith is in what I believe to be my next steps and quit doubting if I can make it. For everything I have endured, every heartache, every trial, every moment that I thought there could be no light in my darkness has made me who I am, and better for it all. For I have realized with certainty that there is no certainty in this life I live, and perhaps I better get moving!

P.V.

Though I long to know the answers which are never meant to be,
I have to let go... I am striving to set your memory free.
Yet my heart aches and I not sure I will ever fully shake you,
It took a while for you to envelop my soul,
And it will be even longer for me to let go.
You know not to the extent in which I love you-
I would travel to the ends of the earth to be near your side,
A life-long friendship, always in your corner, always there to make you smile... but I understand, I am not your choice.
You cannot choose love in that manner- make it stay nor make it go,
It is a matter of time, of a puzzle which is developed slow.
No I won't tell you all these things because I know they are not reciprocated, I'd rather save face and let you be free...
After all, it's not my heart you long for, no sadly, it's just not me.


I know I told you I was moving on... that I am okay with it all, though I am not. There is just something about the connection that happens when I am near you, when I speak with you and I cannot help how I feel--You're just one of those people who come along every so often, who change the way one views the world and for that I will always love you, my amazing friend! Forever in my heart, there you'll reside, tucked neatly next to all our good times!

Be blessed and may you have all you seek!

The Journey...

I am starting to truly embrace this so called life of mine in the fact that every heartbreak, every set back, every moment that feels fleeting; I understand even more so now that it defines me. It is not the end of what will be, but the beginning of what is to come. Everyday I grow, and everyday I come closer to the purpose which has been set forth in my life; set long before my acknowledgement of such. I know there is some grand point to these experiences which have rocked my foundation, caused me to take inventory and set back out again. I know that this is the journey which I have sought. I have for so long been running towards 'something' which I could not define; yet all I had to do was embrace every moment given to me and realize THIS IS IT. Granted, I can affect outcomes on the daily and the direction in which my 'adventure' will flow (positively and negatively, as I have found), but this life of mine has had some moments which a lot of people will never experience, and for all that I "think" I lack in life; I have that much more in which I have gained. Perception is reality as they say, and it has only been by constant adjustment and the experiences which I have enjoyed and languished over the past few years, that I have come to this realization. People tell me it's artistry which flows from my heart; I say it's just ramblings of a mere lost soul, finally finding her way.

The biggest piece of my journey, which forever has changed me, was losing my Grandfather last month, and having to put a dream on hold for the sake of a loved-one. It is one decision I have made recently that I don't hold regret; though it was one I wrestled with a great deal. I knew he wanted me to go, but I couldn't put from my mind when my uncle died just three months prior to my Grandfather, that time does not stop for anyone, and I would be crushed if I left and he passed away. It was within his last months that I shared moments with him which have comforted me in my sorrow. Having his embrace one last time, being told how much he loved me days before he left us... all these swirl in my mind and give me peace- to move forward, to do as he told me I should... to live!

Contemplating my loss of this amazing man, I have thought a lot about my dream of moving, of exploring the world and though I placed it on hold for him and my family, I am not sure that I will for much longer. I want to travel to Hawaii this year for my 32nd birthday and go abroad to Spain at the end of the year. My mom has mentioned she would like to go to Spain with me, and honestly I am okay with it, as I think it could be a great experience either way, but in the depth of my heart, I long to have Spain to myself. Not to be totally selfish, but I think it's about testing the waters for me of whether I could do it alone in another country (ie- Peru for my classes)... could I manage, navigate, speak the language, blend? Could I be strong enough to withstand the insecurity of being alone somewhere completely foreign to me... literally?! It almost is the ultimate test to me, I suppose. I guess I reason if I could go so far as Spain and make it alone, I could do it in almost anywhere else. We'll see....

All I know is I don't feel like I belong here much anymore. Not like I will 'find myself' somewhere else, as I feel that is not done by geographical location, but that I long to be in surroundings that soothe my soul and bring new experiences. 32 years is a long time to live in one spot... maybe not for some, but for me- it feels like being boxed in to only one solution to a problem and I have never welcomed that answer. I am not sure where any of it will lead me, I just know I have is incredible surge of 'something' which wells up in me from the depth of my soul, when I think of traveling, of seeing places I have yet to know about and discover them with all my senses. It is what I long to experience, and I keep trying to figure how to do so and still 'live'! haha I guess for now, I will continue in my journey of discovery- of myself, of others... of love, of life in its purest form. Hopefully with time I will find that purpose, which I know lies just near the horizon of my dreams; and perhaps during that expanse of time, moments will be revealed to me in the lessons I encounter through my decisions, and the destination within my journey will become all the more clear.

In Parts...

Tell me.. tell me, please.
How do you do it with such ease?
How do you let it roll on over and move about like the breeze
I want to know what you feel
I need to know what releases you to proceed.
Do you feel as I do, twisting and hanging amidst invisible trees?
Tangled.

The distraction that resides I wish would take up new residence
Elsewhere... anywhere, just not here.
I asked for it, I know... yet, I never thought it would all go
So suddenly
Here I stand waiting for the next moment
Racing ahead in my mind
Searching time for answers that will not be given
Aching.

I strive to make the wells dry
To shut the windows that once were open
Yet it is no use.... utterly futile
Rivers seem to flow at the smallest reminder
Back to the beginning, rolling through it all sloooowly.
Holding onto messages and mementos
Silliness of a young girl
Longing.

Before you, there was just me
Happily, drifting
Moving forward with dreams
Things to do and see
Now, after you
I am trying to remember me
Without you
I know I am there, yet everyday
I want to share with you
My moments of...
Whatever, simplicity of just being.
Missing.